The radio switched on. It was 7am and time for the news. It was also my birthday and Australia Day. I lay there in the dark listening to the dulcet tones of the newsreader as she read out all that was important in the world at that time that morning.
The lead item was a survey of nursery school places in the UK. It contained such gems as a price differential between ú3.50 and 25p per hour with no direct relationship between the pricing and the quality of the service provided. It was apparently all a lottery.
The second item covered infants born with the AIDS virus. Some of these benighted souls had such tolerance that they became HIV negative. This may yield enough clues to facilitate the development of an AIDS vaccine.
Next, the execution of John Taylor, who had raped and strangled an 11 year old schoolgirl in 1989. He was about to be shot - it took place during this news bulletin at 7.04 am GB time - so as the newsreader was speaking the five volunteer marksmen were lining up on the handkerchief over Taylor's heart 35ft in front of them. Only four of the five had live ammunition, the fifth had a blank which had the same kick as the real thing. This was apparently so they could all say to themselves that they had shot the blank and thus salve any crisis of conscience. In fact as the marksmen were chosen from 500 volunteers it seems more likely that they wished to be firing the real thing. Incidentally, Taylor's request for a last cigarette had to take place outside to avoid the strict no-smoking rules. He also took some dyspepsia tablets after his last breakfast. Now there's an advertising opportunity.
John Major's request for elections in Northern Ireland before the all party talks begin came next. This had apparently caused some concern in Washington. We shall shortly have to have a Belfast Tea Party in an attempt to break the hold of our colonialist masters over our domestic problems.
The Newbury bypass and its tree dwellers was the next item. All roads lead to to the European Court these days and it was about to pass judgement on the rights of the individuals to hold up the bypass by tree squatting and lying in front of the machines. By coincidence, in a TV programme on motoring in the outback of Australia - elderly Rolls Royce lorries and road trains - the building of the Kalgoorlie bypass was featured. Fed up with a high street full of enormous vehicles that have to take the entire width of the carriageway to turn, the local residents took matters into their own hands. Making sure that the relevant executives of the local authority were out of town, they constructed a bypass in three days flat. Admittedly it was only dirt to begin with but is now metalled and has been universally accepted.
The continuation of the Maxwell saga followed. The likelihood that Kevin Maxwell would face further charges of fraud following his acquittal in the immensely costly and lengthy first trial was mooted. This has since been confirmed. Suggestions of political bias were raised as the taxpayer was prepared for a further pasting in the name of justice.
The emphasis on the the law was reinforced by the news that the Lord Chancellor is to allow couples uncoupling to split the capital sum that will provide pensions when they are old and divorced.
The last item concerned a Private Members Bill brought in to curb cruelty to animals. Examples quoted included hedgehogs being deliberately squashed and a hare being speared with a metal stake. The recognised blood sports ie Huntin' shootin' and fishin' would not be affected by this Bill.
The whole dreary list was brought to a close by the weather forecast which was 'Intensely cold with severe wind chill factor. Snow showers and black ice.'
At my age it's an Eeyore-ish type of birthday anyway, but the dreariness of this news bulletin and the inanity of its content only heightened the feeling of anticlimax.
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